We’re Engaged! An Honest And Vulnerable Look At How I Got Here

IMG_5635Walter and I got engaged!! It was a sweet moment in the Colorado mountains with a bouquet of wild daisies he had picked early in the morning, a tearful declaration of his love, and a gorgeous ring he designed himself to represent having found each other in a Universe of stars.

It was a magical moment that I will remember forever, in spite of the fact that I was mostly in shock while it was all happening and responded to his question of “Will you marry me?” with a nod rather than a “yes” because I was literally speechless (I ended up bawling two hours later when it actually hit me).

Needless to say, I’ve been on an emotional high since it happened. This relationship is unlike anything I have ever experienced. We unconditionally love each other and support each other constantly. Walter is always surprising me with little gifts, vegetables from the garden that he planted and tended, a warm hand to hold, and loving kisses. I constantly feel safe, loved, and nurtured in a way I never have before.

It took many failed relationships, heartbreaks, and disappointments to get to this point. After each heartbreak, I tried to find the learning in each one. I would love myself through each and every one and look at any false beliefs I had about love, love myself, and heal all that I could see needed healing. And yet, I still experienced men who couldn’t seem to fully love me and commit to a relationship.

It was about a year and a half ago, after a devastating heartbreak, I decided I had had enough. In meditation one day, I told Spirit, “I am done with this pattern of being rejected and abandoned by the men I love. Show me what I need to heal this.” At once, I saw myself in 5th grade. This surprised me. I asked to see more.

I looked at that 10-year-old self and she looked so sad and full of shame. I remembered that it was in 5th grade that I began to be teased for my weight. I had always been a bit of a chubby kid, but it was in 5th grade that the social pressures to be thin started to kick in. And, as pre-teens do, several began teasing me for being chubby, unathletic, and “different.” As I looked at this mental picture of myself, I could see how as a result of all of the teasing, some part of me decided that she wasn’t good enough – that she wasn’t pretty enough to be loved.

I could see clearly that at 10 years old, when I was trying to form a sense of myself and identity, the feedback I got from the peers around me was that something was wrong, I wasn’t beautiful, and I didn’t fit in. And in this culture, for women and girls, beauty is equated with worthiness. So, as a result of the teasing, some place inside of me decided that she was deeply unworthy because she wasn’t considered pretty.

This part of me had gone unhealed until that moment when I sat in meditation. However, these feeling of unworthiness had been hanging out in my unconscious for decades. Without my full conscious awareness, I had been choosing men who mirrored my feelings of unworthiness. In spite of all the healing and therapy I had done, there was still a part of me that believed she didn’t deserve the kind of love she wanted because she wasn’t pretty enough. It was like a light bulb went on.  In that moment, I could see why none of my previous relationships worked out. I didn’t fully believe I was worthy.

I worked with that 5th grade self in meditation and offering her forgiveness, and myself forgiveness, for having had to go through all of that. I loved her and helped her to see her worthiness. I showed her that her peers weren’t the arbitrators of worthiness, that she was inherently worthy (and still is) because she exists, no matter what she looks like.

After doing this work, I met Walter two months later. I finally felt worthy of the kind of man and relationship I wanted. And he came in immediately.

The more I do healing work with people, the more I see that worthiness is the core of so many of our struggles. As we feel worthy, we naturally attract great relationships, abundance, health, and career opportunities. Worthiness is the key to it all.

Where are there places inside of you that have decided you aren’t worthy of love, money, health, etc? Heal those places. If you need help, set up an appointment and we can uncover your inherent worth.

Worthiness is not something you need to do or achieve. Worthiness is already there. It just gets covered up by false beliefs and trauma.

You are completely and totally worthy, just as you are, right now.

Why Nurturing Yourself May Be the Key to Happiness

Did you know that along with food and water, the act of nurturing is one of the building blocks to a healthy brain?

I’ve recently come across some fascinating information in Joseph Chilton Pearce’s book, “The Heart-Mind Matrix” that I wish was common knowledge.  Essentially, Pearce says that the successful development of the human brain is based on nurturing. The brain forms into its most advanced and highest versions when a child is cared for and nurtured with consistency. When we are nurtured, we become the best versions of ourselves

I want to explain this a little more, so please allow me to nerd out for a moment.

A cucumber sprout soaking up warmth from the sun.
A cucumber sprout we’ve nurtured for two weeks, growing and thriving with constant care.

The human brain consists of three major sections which follow our evolution. The first part of the brain that forms is the reptilian brain. This is the part of the brain that is in charge of making sure we are safe in the world. It is purely instinctual and its number one priority is survival at all costs (think a reptile).

The second part of the brain that forms is the mammalian brain, which forms on top of the reptilian brain. The mammalian brain is responsible for allowing an individual to have emotions, memories, and a sense of connection with others (think of how mammals like to cuddle and connect).

The third part of the brain that forms on top of the other two parts is called the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher-order reasoning and thinking. The prefrontal cortex allows us to have self-awareness, think about what we are doing, ask questions like “why?” and to have morality. It is fundamentally the part of the brain that makes us human and capable of complex thought and higher order decisions.

Now, where it really gets juicy is that the full formation of the pre-frontal cortex can only happen when a person feels safe and nurtured. If a person isn’t feeling safe and nurtured, the reptilian brain goes into overdrive. When the reptilian brain is at full throttle, the prefrontal cortex can’t develop to its fullest form. The integration of the reptilian brain, mammalian brain, and prefrontal cortex is all dependent on feeling safe and nurtured.

What does this mean? It means can’t step into our highest potential as a logical, moral, evolved human without nurturing.

So many people who grow up in chaotic homes without proper nurturing get stuck in their reptilian brain and can only think about survival. This can lead to chronic anxiety or depression because the brain and nervous system are stuck in survival mode.  Isn’t that fascinating?

What is most incredible to me is that this information gives us clues about what we need in order to heal ourselves. If nurturing is the missing link in proper brain development, then we know what to give ourselves and others. We can seek out nurturing and loving relationships. And most importantly, we can nurture and love ourselves. This not only feels good, but helps us to create peace, calm, and integration in our brains and our bodies.

It turns out, that nurturing is a spiritual energy. It creates peace, healing, and integration in our brains and relationships.

If you want to evolve into the best version of yourself, nurture yourself.

If you want to help create a more peaceful world, nurture those around you.

Loving yourself and the world around you really is the way to create wholeness.

Ideas To Nurture Yourself:

  1. Get a massage, acupuncture, or facial
  2. Create a home environment that feels good to you – surround yourself in colors, patterns, and textures that feel good
  3. When applying lotion or body oil, really take the time to love yourself and nurture yourself with your own touch
  4. Get creative – paint, draw, sing – Express yourself!
  5. When sad or distressed, hold onto a pillow or stuffed animal
  6. Cuddle (with anyone)
  7. Cook a delicious and nurturing meal for yourself
  8. Buy yourself flowers
  9. Use essential oils that make you feel more grounded, happy, and centered
  10. Do some gentle exercise, like walking or yoga
  11. Put on some music that you love
  12. Hold your hand on your heart and just feel the warmth and love from your own hand
  13. Drink warm tea or take a hot bath – warmth is very nurturing

The Most Important Political Action You Should Be Taking Probably Isn’t What You Think It Is

Ok, let’s be real. The world feels like a total mess right now. So many of us are scared, heartbroken, confused, and unsure of what to do. It is so easy to feel powerless when a country’s leaders are making decisions haphazardly and without input from their people.

IMG_4399Consciousness has chosen Trump to be president of the United States. He is here to shake up the stuck energies that were keeping the country (and world) in an embroiled battle. He is here to move energy, and he is doing that quickly and swiftly. The good news is that our consciousness has a say in what happens next. Our individual consciousness is part of a larger consciousness. As we change our own consciousness, we change the equation. As we change ourselves, we change the world. As we go for health, loving, kindness, and creativity, we add those elements to the larger consciousness. We vote for more heart, and that has the power to change what the future holds.

So how can you change your consciousness? Right now, our world is getting overly stuck in the mental realm. We are moving further and further into our minds. Technology has boomed in the past several decades. Our smartphones have become our best friends. The world is titillated by the latest apps and the newest toys.

The problem is, this has created a great imbalance. Our world is overly tipped into the mental and we are ignoring our hearts and bodies. We are abandoning creativity in favor of mental stimulation. In a way, it feels easier to spend an hour scrolling through Facebook than to use that hour to get into our hearts and bodies and really enjoy life.  The problem is, the mind is where so many of these power games we are seeing play out originate. Being overly pulled into the mental realm will only contribute to duality, fighting, judgment, and hate.

If you want to change the world, the best thing you can do is get out of your mind. Counteract this pull towards the mental by moving in the opposite direction. Move into your heart. Move into your body. This is truly what the world needs. It needs more people to help pull consciousness down into the lived experience of the body, and away from the mind.

By being in your body and enjoying all the wonderful sensate pleasures of earth, you really do start to change the world. You change consciousness. You help to encourage the collective consciousness to choose the path of the heart, kindness, compassion, and creativity instead of the path of the mind, power, and drama. Your health adds health to the equation of consciousness, which in turn will change the world. Tell consciousness that you want more heart, less mind.

So what can you do to come into your heart or body? Any activity that gets you out of the mental. We get trapped in the mental when we spend hours on social media, playing video games, eating in front of our computers, etc. We get out of our minds when we hug each other, sit quietly and feel our bodies, paint, draw, sculpt, dance, cook, enjoy the food we are eating, feel the sunlight bathing the back of our necks as we walk, and feel the energy buzzing in our right big toe. We get out of the mental when we start to enjoy our lives and our bodies.

Find those activities that bring you into your body. During these challenging times, I am making a more conscious effort to take a break from the news and to be mindful and alive in my body. I’m trying to savor my cup of decaf coffee in the morning even more than I did before. I’m also taking a few more art classes and spending less time watching TV. I’m hugging my partner longer and really feeling my heart open as I do so. I sit every night with our puppy on my lap and feel her warm body against my thighs. I take daily walks in the hills and take in the gorgeous mountains that seem to change every day. Essentially, I am making an effort to feel my body more and be in my mind less. I am voting for love with my body.

This is an act of political activism that is truly radical in this culture of video games and social media. Of course, take all the actions you feel called to in this time of change. Actions on the external level are also necessary and I have felt called to engage on that level as well. But don’t discount how important it is to tend to your consciousness. The most important act of political resistance you can do is to get out of your mind and vote for more heart.