Finding your Inner Badass and Becoming a Spiritual Rule-breaker

Showing his "lighter" side!I’m going to tell you a very embarrassing story. It was Halloween and I was 24, and in my first year of my Master’s program to become a therapist. I had decided to throw a party and had invited a dozen or so people from my M.A. program over to my house for some drinks before heading out to some parties in town. I remember I had dressed up in some random clothes I had in the back of my closet and I looked like a Saloon girl from the Wild West. I remember feeling embarrassed that I was dressed in a sexy low-cut shirt and bustier.

As my friends started coming over, I opened some bottles of wine. In part to mask my own feelings of shame about my attire, I had a couple glasses of wine. Before I knew it, I was tipsy. Very tipsy. And instead of feeling better about my sexy Halloween costume, I felt worse. To add more fuel to the fire of my inner shame storm, I began to feel embarrassed about the fact that I was now also a bit drunk.

In my intoxicated state, I began loudly telling anyone who would listen “Please don’t judge me, I know I’m a bit drunk and dressed like this. Don’t judge me because I’m a therapist. I know I’m supposed to be spiritual. I’m a therapist, I shouldn’t be doing this. Don’t judge me.” My sweet young 24-year-old self was terrified of looking anything less than perfect. I thought that if I was studying to be a therapist, I had to be a beacon of morality and prudence at all times. I thought that I should always be wise, compassionate, serious, and able to show up for others in need at all times. I thought I should basically emulate Jesus (seriously, I really did). At the age of 24, I had a very strict code of conduct for myself that prohibited me from dressing sexy, drinking too much, acting silly, being too loud, saying what was on my mind, or being rambunctious in any way. This code of conduct put a damper on the part of me that was young, wild, and wanted to explore the world and my emerging self.

I was stuck in my identity as a “spiritual person.” With this identity came rules in my head about what it meant to be spiritual. Some of these rules were: “Spiritual people do not drink. Spiritual people do not act sexy. Spiritual people do not have fun. Spiritual people do not flirt. Spiritual people should not want sex. Spiritual people should not care about dating. Spiritual people should not eat meat. Spiritual people should be modest and humble at all times. Spiritual people should dress conservatively. Spiritual people should meditate an hour every single day. Spiritual people should be meek and mild. Spiritual people should wear purple.” The list goes on and on.

Which is why, on Halloween night when I was 24, I spent the majority of the night walking around in my bar maid’s outfit, telling people how sorry I was that I was a therapist who was a bit drunk and asking them not to judge me.

I still feel a bit embarrassed sharing this story, but I do it because looking back, I can see how clearly my rules of what it means to be spiritual kept me in a prison. I have since broken out of that prison and can see that I had rules that kept me in a dualistic mindset. I thought that certain behaviors were designated spiritual, and certain behaviors were not. I know now that God can be in every moment of any action. You cannot take spirituality out of life.

Many of us have taken vows of poverty and chastity in past lives. Most of us at some point lived lifetimes where we were in religious groups that had very strict rules about what and wasn’t ok to be spiritual. We have all at some point denied ourselves money, sex, food, alcohol, and physical comfort in an effort to find enlightenment and get to God.

However, it is time for an update. We now live in a time of evolution where we are realizing we don’t have to give up life to be spiritual. Life is spiritual. The two cannot be separated. You can have a drink, make love, eat a steak, and still be as worthy as the monk meditating on the mountain top. There is nothing you have to do to get to God. God lives inside of you. What all of our spiritual studies across lifetimes have taught us is that God lives in you, as you. You cannot be separated.

So enjoy your life. If you have a drink, enjoy every little sip of it. If you wear an outfit that you feel sexy and attractive in, enjoy the feeling of being in your own body and skin. If you flirt with a stranger, feel the pulse of God running through the moment. If you have sex, feel the loving of God in your heart pouring out through your body. Enjoy every little morsel of Earth’s goodness.

Break your own spiritual rules. You’ll find that all God ever wanted for you was to know complete and total freedom.

Do you have any of the following beliefs that need to be cleared up? Repeat the belief and take a deep breath. (Quick note: I use the word “God” because it resonates with me. If you prefer a different word such as “Universe, Higher Self, All that Is, Soul,” please use that instead).

I forgive myself for judging myself for believing that I have to be perfect to get to God.

I forgive myself for judging myself for believing that if I make a mistake, God won’t welcome me back.

I forgive myself for judging myself for believing that having fun is a waste of time and not spiritual.

I forgive myself for judging myself for believing I have to be strict with myself to get to God.

I forgive myself for judging myself for believing that sex is bad, shameful, or impure.

 

You’ve Been Set Up to Succeed – Just Keep Going

The tiny elm seed
The tiny elm seed

We are designed much like the little elm seed. We come down here with everything we need already inside of us. We have “divine seed packets” deep embedded inside of us with all that we will ever need to grow into our full self. Encoded in our divine seed packets are the tools, people, awarenesses, and events we will need to fulfill our particular soul mission.

Every single thing we need for our growth, evolution, success, and fulfillment was set up before we were even born.

If we only knew this, we would worry a lot less. So much of our time is spent worrying about if we will have what we need – will we have enough money, the right relationships, great opportunities, a place to live, etc.? If we knew the truth, which is that whatever we needed would find us at the exact minute we needed it, we would worry less.

It may not seem like all our needs are being met if we are sick, or lonely, or struggling to find work. However, part of what is encoded in that divine seed packet is what we need to learn. Those times that are challenging are our greatest teachers. They are set up to help us strengthen, deepen, and reach for a greater love and trust in ourselves. They are all part of our own divine seed packet.

In that seed packet, we also have the gifts we will need to get through life. The events, openings, opportunities, and people we need to fulfill our unique destinies are already set up.

What you need, will come. It may take longer than our basic selves would like, but it does come. Your job is to keep moving through your life making sure you have food, water, fun, and maybe some sunlight. Your task is to just keep walking, one foot in front of the other, and allow everything you need to fall into place.

Your job is to just keep going, and to allow what you need to find you.

You’ve been set up to succeed. Embedded deep inside of you truly is everything you will ever need. The events, opportunities, and people you need to do what you are here to do will come. Everything you need will be taken care of. Just keep walking.

 

My Love Story

IMG_2068_2It is the day before Valentine’s Day and I’m feeling particularly thankful for the adorable man who is asleep in our bedroom as I write this. I love Valentine’s Day. I love the pink and red paper cut out hearts hanging from ceilings, displays full of delicious chocolates and cookies, sappy sentimental cards, and the dozens of crimson roses wrapped in tissue paper. I especially love the chocolate.

I didn’t always feel this way about Valentine’s Day. In fact, this is only the second year ever that I’ve had someone to celebrate with. Before this relationship, I used to despise the Day of Love and would celebrate by wearing black, eating ice cream, and watching bad movies with my other single girlfriends. I remember how dreadful Valentine’s Day was in middle school and high school when I watched all the popular girls receive carnations from the popular boys in the National Honor Society’s “Send your Valentine a Flower” yearly fundraiser. I remember how angry I was and how much I couldn’t wait for the day of sickly fake pink flowers and cards to be over.

So how did I go from a grim girl dressed in black cursing about love, to someone tempted to plaster her walls in fuchsia hearts?

I fell in love.

But not with anyone else.

I fell in love with myself.

Let me explain. For years and years, I dreamed about the magical man I would one day meet who would make all my problems vanish. He would swoop me up in his strong arms, take me back to his castle, cook delicious food for me, gather flowers from his garden, and tend to my every desire.  I spent most of my waking life fantasizing about the soulmate I would one day meet who would be able to read my mind and meet my every need. He was perfect – tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, strong, smart, successful, masculine and completely emotionally intelligent. It was terribly fun to be in such a deep state of longing about the man I had yet to meet. But it also left me miserable and feeling like I needed that soulmate to be happy. I truly believed that I would not be happy until meeting this magical dark-haired prince.

Eventually, something happened. Years of being single spanned into decades of being single. I started to doubt that I would ever meet this perfect prince of a man that I just knew I was destined to be with. I was single for so long and had so many disastrous dating experiences that I started to give up on the idea of a soulmate completely. I’m not sure when the exact moment was, but I started to become aware of how much energy I had given to this idea of the “soulmate.”

For the first time, I objectively examined my life as it actually was, sans soulmate. I was single, but I had my own tiny apartment that was all mine where I could do whatever I wanted (like set up a painting studio on my kitchen floor at 3 a.m.), friends who really got me, a beach that I could drive to in under a half hour, and work that I loved. I looked around and it dawned on me, that I had created a life that was all mine and that strangely enough, I really enjoyed that life.

It was in this moment that I realized I had started to fall in love with myself and my own life. I loved my incredible support system and the wonderful freedom I had. I loved that on a whim, I could take off and drive to Santa Cruz and spend $8 on a fancy smoothie from Café Gratitude and drink it on the beach with my own good company. Instead of focusing at everything I thought I was missing (the man), I organically started loving everything I had. And everything changed!

Valentine’s Day no longer was about seeking love from another to feel worthy, validated, accepted and loved. I had unintentionally created a life where I already felt worthy, validated, accepted and loved  – by me. And so the Pepto-Bismol colored heart and sugary candy no longer represented the love I didn’t have, but the love that was all around me. My love for Valentine’s Day was born.

The Day of Love has become a celebration of all the many forms of love I have in my life. I love myself, Spirit, my family, friends, and each and every one of my clients. I experience such an abundance of love in my heart these days that sometimes I spontaneously well up with tears while sitting on the couch staring at the redwood trees in our backyard.

And yes, I also love the tall handsome man I did eventually meet. He is by no means the perfect fantasy I dreamed about when I was 13 years old. There is no castle and he has no cooking skills. But he offers me his heart, and I take it.

What’s in the cards for 2015? A sneak peak!

 

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We did it! We survived 2014, albeit with a few bumps and bruises along the way. It was a tough year for just about everybody, myself included. The world was pretty messy – wars, shootings, lost planes, politics – you name it. Most of my clients dealt with heartbreak, major transitions, health issues, or money issues. It was a rough one!

So what can we expect in 2015?

I know a lot of people were hoping the drama would calm down this year. However, the chaos in the world is still going to keep on keeping on. We started this year with the shooting in Paris and a brutal massacre in Nigeria. Events like this are going to continue. However, I do feel this year will be easier in many ways.

Talking to a client yesterday, I realized that the past several years, it felt like every stabilizing structure around us was dismantled. I had the sense that the very ground we walked upon was torn apart during this grand transformation in consciousness. I don’t know about you, but nothing felt safe to me. I was in survival mode, as was the world.

We have been undergoing a grand dismantling, and it will continue. The world is being dismantled, as are our egos. Our reality looks messy because dysfunctional dynamics have been hidden or buried and they are now coming to the surface in a grand unveiling. This stuff was always there, it is now revealing itself for clearing and healing.

The chaos is still palpable. Yet, for the first time in a long time, it feels like we finally have some stable ground to walk upon again. As my client said, “It feels as though there is a deep peace.” And there is! Underneath the tumult, violence, and chaos, there is solid ground emerging. After dismantling comes reconstruction, and our reconstruction is beginning. This is a great time to start projects, make life changes, develop new ideas, and pursue those dreams you’ve been thinking about. There are many energies to support you this year. Spirit is ready for us to come out of our self-protection caves and get out there. We are moving out of pure survival mode into creation mode. We’ve got more stable ground and we get to start having more fun.

So this new year, I’ve been sitting with the question, “What do I want to create this year?” I urge you all to take five minutes and ask yourself the same thing.

For me, I want to create more joyful authentic self-expression in my work. I’m not sure how that is going to look yet, but that’s ok. The key is to tune into the feeling of what you want. Don’t think about it, but feel it. The details don’t matter, as they will take care of themselves. Stick with the feeling of what you want. Feel it deeply in your body. I’m tuning into the experience of joyfully expressing myself to all of you right now. I’m feeling the warm sparkly bubbly feeling of authentic and enjoyable expression in my chest and belly. I’m letting the Universe know that this is the feeling I want more of this year.

What feeling do you want to tune into? Creation begins with desire. What do you desire in your heart of hearts? Feel it and it will be so! This is the beginning of our reconstruction. So this year, stay out of the drama, feel that solid ground, and get your creations on! Sending each and every one of you blessings for joyful creation this year.