Yay! This video was so fun for me to make! I was headed out to go do an engagement photoshoot with Walter and I just had to pause and be grateful that I am in this wonderful place with the most wonderful man. Looking back, I was manifesting Walter all along, even when struggling with heartbreak, rejection, and fears that I would never find the kind of relationship I was looking for. I am now aware that all of those experiences and were helping me to see the blocks and false beliefs that needed to be cleared before I could attract in an amazing man.
Walter and I got engaged!! It was a sweet moment in the Colorado mountains with a bouquet of wild daisies he had picked early in the morning, a tearful declaration of his love, and a gorgeous ring he designed himself to represent having found each other in a Universe of stars.
It was a magical moment that I will remember forever, in spite of the fact that I was mostly in shock while it was all happening and responded to his question of “Will you marry me?” with a nod rather than a “yes” because I was literally speechless (I ended up bawling two hours later when it actually hit me).
Needless to say, I’ve been on an emotional high since it happened. This relationship is unlike anything I have ever experienced. We unconditionally love each other and support each other constantly. Walter is always surprising me with little gifts, vegetables from the garden that he planted and tended, a warm hand to hold, and loving kisses. I constantly feel safe, loved, and nurtured in a way I never have before.
It took many failed relationships, heartbreaks, and disappointments to get to this point. After each heartbreak, I tried to find the learning in each one. I would love myself through each and every one and look at any false beliefs I had about love, love myself, and heal all that I could see needed healing. And yet, I still experienced men who couldn’t seem to fully love me and commit to a relationship.
It was about a year and a half ago, after a devastating heartbreak, I decided I had had enough. In meditation one day, I told Spirit, “I am done with this pattern of being rejected and abandoned by the men I love. Show me what I need to heal this.” At once, I saw myself in 5th grade. This surprised me. I asked to see more.
I looked at that 10-year-old self and she looked so sad and full of shame. I remembered that it was in 5th grade that I began to be teased for my weight. I had always been a bit of a chubby kid, but it was in 5th grade that the social pressures to be thin started to kick in. And, as pre-teens do, several began teasing me for being chubby, unathletic, and “different.” As I looked at this mental picture of myself, I could see how as a result of all of the teasing, some part of me decided that she wasn’t good enough – that she wasn’t pretty enough to be loved.
I could see clearly that at 10 years old, when I was trying to form a sense of myself and identity, the feedback I got from the peers around me was that something was wrong, I wasn’t beautiful, and I didn’t fit in. And in this culture, for women and girls, beauty is equated with worthiness. So, as a result of the teasing, some place inside of me decided that she was deeply unworthy because she wasn’t considered pretty.
This part of me had gone unhealed until that moment when I sat in meditation. However, these feeling of unworthiness had been hanging out in my unconscious for decades. Without my full conscious awareness, I had been choosing men who mirrored my feelings of unworthiness. In spite of all the healing and therapy I had done, there was still a part of me that believed she didn’t deserve the kind of love she wanted because she wasn’t pretty enough. It was like a light bulb went on. In that moment, I could see why none of my previous relationships worked out. I didn’t fully believe I was worthy.
I worked with that 5th grade self in meditation and offering her forgiveness, and myself forgiveness, for having had to go through all of that. I loved her and helped her to see her worthiness. I showed her that her peers weren’t the arbitrators of worthiness, that she was inherently worthy (and still is) because she exists, no matter what she looks like.
After doing this work, I met Walter two months later. I finally felt worthy of the kind of man and relationship I wanted. And he came in immediately.
The more I do healing work with people, the more I see that worthiness is the core of so many of our struggles. As we feel worthy, we naturally attract great relationships, abundance, health, and career opportunities. Worthiness is the key to it all.
Where are there places inside of you that have decided you aren’t worthy of love, money, health, etc? Heal those places. If you need help, set up an appointment and we can uncover your inherent worth.
Worthiness is not something you need to do or achieve. Worthiness is already there. It just gets covered up by false beliefs and trauma.
You are completely and totally worthy, just as you are, right now.
It is the day before Valentine’s Day and I’m feeling particularly thankful for the adorable man who is asleep in our bedroom as I write this. I love Valentine’s Day. I love the pink and red paper cut out hearts hanging from ceilings, displays full of delicious chocolates and cookies, sappy sentimental cards, and the dozens of crimson roses wrapped in tissue paper. I especially love the chocolate.
I didn’t always feel this way about Valentine’s Day. In fact, this is only the second year ever that I’ve had someone to celebrate with. Before this relationship, I used to despise the Day of Love and would celebrate by wearing black, eating ice cream, and watching bad movies with my other single girlfriends. I remember how dreadful Valentine’s Day was in middle school and high school when I watched all the popular girls receive carnations from the popular boys in the National Honor Society’s “Send your Valentine a Flower” yearly fundraiser. I remember how angry I was and how much I couldn’t wait for the day of sickly fake pink flowers and cards to be over.
So how did I go from a grim girl dressed in black cursing about love, to someone tempted to plaster her walls in fuchsia hearts?
I fell in love.
But not with anyone else.
I fell in love with myself.
Let me explain. For years and years, I dreamed about the magical man I would one day meet who would make all my problems vanish. He would swoop me up in his strong arms, take me back to his castle, cook delicious food for me, gather flowers from his garden, and tend to my every desire. I spent most of my waking life fantasizing about the soulmate I would one day meet who would be able to read my mind and meet my every need. He was perfect – tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, strong, smart, successful, masculine and completely emotionally intelligent. It was terribly fun to be in such a deep state of longing about the man I had yet to meet. But it also left me miserable and feeling like I needed that soulmate to be happy. I truly believed that I would not be happy until meeting this magical dark-haired prince.
Eventually, something happened. Years of being single spanned into decades of being single. I started to doubt that I would ever meet this perfect prince of a man that I just knew I was destined to be with. I was single for so long and had so many disastrous dating experiences that I started to give up on the idea of a soulmate completely. I’m not sure when the exact moment was, but I started to become aware of how much energy I had given to this idea of the “soulmate.”
For the first time, I objectively examined my life as it actually was, sans soulmate. I was single, but I had my own tiny apartment that was all mine where I could do whatever I wanted (like set up a painting studio on my kitchen floor at 3 a.m.), friends who really got me, a beach that I could drive to in under a half hour, and work that I loved. I looked around and it dawned on me, that I had created a life that was all mine and that strangely enough, I really enjoyed that life.
It was in this moment that I realized I had started to fall in love with myself and my own life. I loved my incredible support system and the wonderful freedom I had. I loved that on a whim, I could take off and drive to Santa Cruz and spend $8 on a fancy smoothie from Café Gratitude and drink it on the beach with my own good company. Instead of focusing at everything I thought I was missing (the man), I organically started loving everything I had. And everything changed!
Valentine’s Day no longer was about seeking love from another to feel worthy, validated, accepted and loved. I had unintentionally created a life where I already felt worthy, validated, accepted and loved – by me. And so the Pepto-Bismol colored heart and sugary candy no longer represented the love I didn’t have, but the love that was all around me. My love for Valentine’s Day was born.
The Day of Love has become a celebration of all the many forms of love I have in my life. I love myself, Spirit, my family, friends, and each and every one of my clients. I experience such an abundance of love in my heart these days that sometimes I spontaneously well up with tears while sitting on the couch staring at the redwood trees in our backyard.
And yes, I also love the tall handsome man I did eventually meet. He is by no means the perfect fantasy I dreamed about when I was 13 years old. There is no castle and he has no cooking skills. But he offers me his heart, and I take it.